Journalism student currently based in Pune. Occasional writer. self-proclaimed bibliophile, reluctant photographer, Chronic music addict, obssessive bathroom singer.
Surprisingly, sleep turned out to be a huge reason for my mental distress. Two nights of good sleep, I feel considerably better. I'm glad. I have two more days of my internship left, after which I can spend the next 18 days getting in touch with myself, and connecting with my writing. It will be a much needed break before I head back to college for my final year of education.
It's going to be one hell of a semester because I have 11 papers to tackle. However, I am determined to stay calm, not lose my cool and be more organised for the next semester. I will have my fun, but I also aim to be more focused on my education. My GPA fell this semester by 4 points and I was a bit disappointed, but not exactly surprised.
Above all, I swear to God, I will not lose touch with who I am, or what I love doing.
So to sum it up, here are my goals for the coming months
1. Try to get more sleep
2. Breathe deeply, smile, soak in the sunshine.
3. Laugh at every opportunity.
4. Eat, drink, and BLOG! I will find joy in my writing and that would be my version of be merry.
5. Love the people around me, without malice.
6. To write more. With a pen, on paper, in my own style.
7. Read books! Books are so wonderful.
8. Don't forget to allow yourself a lazy afternoon, a fine meal with no expectations, and to surround yourself with the things that make me happy!
I have no idea who even reads this blog anymore but I needed an outlet for my emotions. I've been so out of touch with myself that I feel drained, unable to think. In the most recent two months, I acquired an internship that let me work from home. There would be days when I got little or no work and I would feel bored and inadequate. I would push myself to do things and now I feel like I was too harsh on myself.
I met my first yoga teacher when I was 16. Yoga was taught to us in our schools to improve concentration and make us alert. She was a short smiling lady with greying hair and wide hips, but her spirit was what amazed me. She taught us to truly listen to our bodies and ourselves and that has always been suc ha huge part of who I am. I've always been in sync with myself.
But I feel like I've been too harsh on myself. If there was someone who was doing this to themselves, I'd certainly advise them to take it slowly. So why was I so indifferent to my own needs? I was so ambitious that last night, I ended up writing a 1900 word article and collapsed somewhere around 2 a.m. I couldn't move and felt like the whole room was shaking violently. I forced myself to breathe and it eventually went away but I believe what I experienced was something greater than exhaustion. That was frightening because I've never been to that place before.
And why wouldn't I be that tired? I've got a food blog that I run, which is really taxing on me sometimes. I force myself to read great literature that may not even interest me in the first place. I spent two weeks running after contacts to write this article for my professor's magazine, I was working actively on two drafts of two separate novels, and I stumbled upon an opportunity to write a story that could be used in a short film.
One day, something as simple as getting ready to go somewhere made me break down in tears.
My mother was quite surprised as I'm supposed to be really strong emotionally and I don't cry without reason. I had been pushing myself so hard that I snapped for something that silly. I eventually did stop crying and leave, do my job, but this sort of thing is toxic to my health. I was telling my mother todaythat mental health is 70% of your body's overall health. So what is it with me and not treating myself the way I treat everyone else? It's crazy, but I've been doing unto others what I really should be doing for myself.
And the result is me, here, exhausted, hungry and really poorly motivated.
I have 3 blog posts pending. I don't even know how to begin to write them though I've got all the photos, the ideas and everything ready. I'm going to stop being so harsh on myself and start being more gentle to my soul. I want to appreciate the finer things in my life again. Good food, poetry, sleep, laughter, good company, funny books, and trying to cook, just because I can.
Now... I shall attempt to alleviate my melancholy with a healthy dose of Jack Johnson.
While most of my classmates and friends are out there, partying and having the time of their lives, I'm having my own party back here, in the warmth of my city, in the comfort of my room. I started 2015 on a sweet note- by gobbling chocolate covered strawberries (That I had labouriously made, MYSELF!). I hugged my family and wished them a happy new year.
That brings me to the main point of the post (besides wishing all my lovely readers a wonderful 2015).
Changes that I want to effect in my life
1. Explore
I want to explore new places. Meet a lot more new people. Not be anti-social (like I tend to be sometimes). Eat good food, drink new drinks, take new photographs, make new memories.
2. Heal
The last day of 2014 was spent in the most perfect way possible- healing ties, confessing sins, making amends. I officially freed myself from all the things that were making me unhappy. I think that's maybe the #1 goal of 2015. To heal, and love myself as a person.
3. Love
To be that girl whose smile competes with the sun. To look at things in a happy light and to try and spread the love all around. To reach out to the ones who love me and let them know how much I value their affection in my life.
4. Grow
Personally. Intellectually. Professionally. Watch more movies, read more books, write more... anything.
5. Write
I've had enough of sitting around, waiting for opportunities to find me. Write every single goddamn day of my life, irrespective of whatever excuses I have.
6. Make decisions that make sense.
This may seem like a no brainer but a lot of problems I got caught up in last year, were because of dumbass decisions.
7. Spend responsibly
Sravanti, I'll make you proud.
8. Sing
Who cares if I can't sing to save my life? I love singing and I damn well will try.
9. Get more sleep
10. To embrace change and not run from it. To try and do things differently in my life. To maybe try changing for the better.
If you have read this far, thank you for being so patient with me.
We have all grown up hearing stories from our elders, about princes and princesses, kings and queens who lived in faraway lands and always did the right thing. Here's something Dadi-maa left out in her story telling sessions- what if they had feelings that were similar to the ones that we feel? What if the characters felt anger, jealousy, hatred, rage and so on. This would lend them a human face and this is the very idea on which, Chitra Bannerjee Divakaruni has worked in her critically acclaimed book- Palace of Illusions.
The concepts of fate and destiny are beautifully dealt with
in this book. Though the skeptic in me does not have strong belief in these
concepts, I am highly impressed by the Divakaruni deals with these ideas. Her
thinking mandates that our destiny is something we are born into- whether we
accept it or not or whether we work towards it or not. Our fate is in the
decisions we make, but the logic here is that though our decisions are 'left to
us' in the form of fate, we are guided to these decisions in such a way that it
effectively allows us to fulfill our destinies.
Indeed it is interesting to note how the characters in the
book play out their destinies either willingly or unwillingly. The most amazing
part about this book, which sets it, a class apart from the Amish Tripathi
series of books is that it has not strayed far from the original. It merely
supplements to it, adds beauty to it. How Divakaruni effectively treats the
Mahabharat, is that she points out the shadows and gray areas, the moles and
pockmarks, and the cripples and emotions that each of the characters goes through.
Choosing a character as powerful as Draupadi was indeed a wise choice as it
made for a gripping read.
It is delightful how the book deals with feminism. It
constantly speaks of Draupadi’s varying outrages at the treatment of women
during various phases of the book. She behaves in a way that is unacceptable of
women. What truly captured my heart was how at all stages of the book, she
never considers herself ‘less’ than a man.
How she holds her head high with
pride when other women lower their gaze submissively. She questions, in
places where even few men dare to speak. How she fights, with rage and strength
in places where the easier option would have been to give up. The book also makes references to other strong female characters in the Mahabharat, including Kunti- The Mother of Karna, and Gandhari, the wife of the blind king Dhritarashtra, Uttara- Abhimanyu's wife are among these. They are no longer given subjugated roles as Wives or Queens, they have been effectively converted into three dimensional characters- all with reasons for acting the way that they did.
The book in itself is a delight to bibliophiles everywhere
because of the way it is written. The book uses impeccable English and grammar.
The descriptions transport you to the scenes and helps you see them through
Draupadi’s eyes. The narrative of the book so beautifully deals with the characters
and how they intertwine with Draupadi’s life, all ultimately bringing them to
the final battlefield where the Great War is fought.
The book is worth reading. Do not give it a miss,
irrespective of what your religious views are. You will indeed stop calling Draupadi kritya (One who brings destruction to her clan) and the book succeeds in dispelling many of the negative myths that surround Draupadi and her character. I’d rate this book 4.8/5.
One thing that we all constantly wish for, is to be children again. To relive our childhood days and to be young and carefree again. Everyone knows that we learn many lessons as children that we sometimes forget as adults. But how many of us know of what we, as adults can learn from Children? Here's how you can learn a thing or two from the kids around you!
1. Smile when you're happy.
2. Cry when you're sad.
3. Never skip play time.
Photo credit: WeenyB
Or nap time, for that matter
4. Observe the world around you and bask in its magic. Find joy in appreciating the little things. You'll soon know that the world is not yet devoid of magic.
5. Don't be afraid to cling to the person you love to stop them from leaving.
The 100 happy days challenge involves a social media user
posting a photo on a daily basis of whatever makes them happy (done on the
platform of their choice- either Facebook, Instagram or Twitter). The aim of
the challenge was to help people appreciate the world around them more than
they normally did.
So I was going through my Facebook today while I noticed
that a friend of a friend of mine had critiqued the 100 happy days challenge. The
criticism that my friend had to offer, in a way, if you thought about it, was
sort of justified, but I’d like to say, it has more to do with the person
taking the challenge than the challenge itself.
The people who came up with this project have no real
benefit if people all over the world take up this exercise. Nobody’s going to
get penalized if you drop out midway citing various reasons. The main reason
this challenge was formulated, was to remind people that though there is so
much that is wrong with the world, there is ultimately a lot to look forward
to, a lot to be happy for.
I am taking part in the challenge too. Three days down, and I’m
not going to cite miraculous differences in my personality or outlook on life,
but every time I reflected on my day, thought of which photo to upload, it
automatically made me recall all the good that happened that day [most of which
gets conveniently clouded over by what went wrong in the same day] and it made
me feel good about myself. When something makes me happy, instead of giving it
a brief smile and nod, I revel in it, fully relishing the moment. If that’s not
a good thing, I don’t know what is.
So be open… Take the challenge. The folks at 100 happy days
would be more than happy to have you participate. They say it’s a life changing
project, and that’s the problem. People expect miraculous transformations
overnight. They don’t realize that life changing could also happen, one tiny
step at a time, but as long as the change is happening and the progress
continually moves forward, that’s honestly all that matters.
So I was supposed to be studying on YouTube (Bad idea btw) and I chanced upon a video a classmate had shared on her wall. It was a moving experiment, conducted by a couple of high school students, to see how many people would react to bullying. It shocked me that many people chose to be passive and out of the 15 or so people in front of whom the experiment was conducted, 2 or 3 of them stood up for the victim. If you were to think about that statistically, a chilling 98% of people would choose to be passive while bullying occurs.
Here is the video
Related links to that video, was a TED talk on bullying. Now, I know TED talks face a lot of criticism, but They are a lot more to do with the speaker than the phenomenon of TED themselves... So I'll leave it at that. The speaker for the night was a person I did not know of. He was rotund, had brown hair and a beard and wore glasses. He hunched his shoulders, slouched in his posture, but standing there, he was the bravest man I will have ever seen. He had a way with words that caused me to bawl when he spoke of his experience in high school.
A phrase was repeated in the course of the TED talk- "Kids are cruel."
This was true.
It made me think of my own experience in high school.
When people all around me speak of fond memories of high school, I often listen with a sardonic smile. I do not reply, but I refrain from sharing any. When asked of my memories of school, I reply with a light smile "Too many to think of."
And it was true, in a twisted way.
You see, I was always different. I now realize that I am different in a good way... But at the time, it felt like a punishment that my pen could spin beautiful poems and the most vividly descriptive narratives. It felt like a curse that I did not like talking, simply because it was in my nature. Countless people have made recommendations to my mother that I see a psychiatrist. I suppose the world simply can't stand it when it sees someone who simply does not know how to fit into a cookie cutter and be part of the crowd.
And I tried.
I tried endlessly to fit in but somehow, I just could not. I was different you see. While the world supposedly "welcomes" different for my first school was never quite in the picture. My friends are always people who like to talk simply because they know I like to listen. Different, by the way, always invites bullies.
Now, I must mention at this juncture, that the first school I studied in was a school which was quite classy. Had a good reputation. People at parties would give you respectable nods if you told them you studied in that school; outwardly, there was nothing wrong with it. The students I came in contact with were alarmingly identical to one another, enjoying the same TV shows, scoring good grades, having ambitions of being doctors and engineers and sobbing profusely when they received test scores. I still remember how I would be looked upon like an alien simply because I knew I'd gotten what I deserved where test scores were concerned and I wouldn't antagonize myself over it.
The problem however, is that different always invites bullies.
I still remember in Eighth grade, there was a new girl in my class. I was so intimidated by her. She was thin and cool and had short shiny black hair. She was an ace at sports and had the best grades. She effortlessly made friends. To sum it up, she was everything I wasn't.
But she was also something that I swear to God, I never will be.
I remember this one incident vividly. She asked me to smell my palm to see if there was the smell of Vibuthi (holy ash) on her hand and she just palmed my nose, punching me hard and all her friends around her burst out laughing. I walked away silently, nearly in tears, feeling like an utter idiot so that she would look cool in front of her friends for a few minutes. A few years later, a friend of mine would tell me what a sweetheart that bully was, and how they would all study together. I would never comment. She never bullied anyone else. I was her sole target.
Why didn't I stand up for myself?
I didn't know how to.
I joined school a year early and everyone was older than me. I just felt so scared and intimidated. I had no clear idea of who I was. I took to my pen as refuge. It was my safe tent from the storm. I would churn out poetry that is way more intense than normal "teen angst." As a woman now, I'm not sure if I can produce the same intensity in my poems or my writing again. I was lucky to always have English teachers who saw me for who I really was, and encouraged my talent at the right time. If it weren't for them, my writing would be hidden under my bed and beneath floorboards. Some teachers at my school were and continue to be an inspiration to me to do my best and that anything less is simply unacceptable.
To anyone who is interested, this is Shane Koyczan's TED talk.
In a way, it was my pen that saved me. I have gone to the brink of death and back and have dealt with self harm also. I used to buy a razor blade for 5 rupees and cut and cut because I never felt good enough. I still have the scars on my body. I don't think there will dawn a day where I will be ashamed of them. I will never ever advocate self harm, because it is the worst thing a person can do to herself/himself and nothing, I repeat my beloved readers. NOTHING IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO INDULGE IN IT. However, I will always be proud of my scars, because they made me who I am today, and they serve me as a constant reminder of what comes out of undermining oneself and one's own attitude.
However... My tryst with bullying did not end there.
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