Healing

Surprisingly, sleep turned out to be a huge reason for my mental distress. Two nights of good sleep, I feel considerably better. I'm glad. I have two more days of my internship left, after which I can spend the next 18 days getting in touch with myself, and connecting with my writing. It will be a much needed break before I head back to college for my final year of education.

It's going to be one hell of a semester because I have 11 papers to tackle. However, I am determined to stay calm, not lose my cool and be more organised for the next semester. I will have my fun, but I also aim to be more focused on my education. My GPA fell this semester by 4 points and I was a bit disappointed, but not exactly surprised.

Above all, I swear to God, I will not lose touch with who I am, or what I love doing.

So to sum it up, here are my goals for the coming months

1. Try to get more sleep

2. Breathe deeply, smile, soak in the sunshine.

3. Laugh at every opportunity.

4. Eat, drink, and BLOG! I will find joy in my writing and that would be my version of be merry.

5. Love the people around me, without malice.

6. To write more. With a pen, on paper, in my own style.

7. Read books! Books are so wonderful.

8. Don't forget to allow yourself a lazy afternoon, a fine meal with no expectations, and to surround yourself with the things that make me happy!

Till the next time, my lovelies.

Melancholy

I have no idea who even reads this blog anymore but I needed an outlet for my emotions. I've been so out of touch with myself that I feel drained, unable to think. In the most recent two months, I acquired an internship that let me work from home. There would be days when I got little or no work and I would feel bored and inadequate. I would push myself to do things and now I feel like I was too harsh on myself.

I met my first yoga teacher when I was 16. Yoga was taught to us in our schools to improve concentration and make us alert. She was a short smiling lady with greying hair and wide hips, but her spirit was what amazed me. She taught us to truly listen to our bodies and ourselves and that has always been suc ha huge part of who I am. I've always been in sync with myself.

But I feel like I've been too harsh on myself. If there was someone who was doing this to themselves, I'd certainly advise them to take it slowly. So why was I so indifferent to my own needs? I was so ambitious that last night, I ended up writing a 1900 word article and collapsed somewhere around 2 a.m. I couldn't move and felt like the whole room was shaking violently. I forced myself to breathe and it eventually went away but I believe what I experienced was something greater than exhaustion. That was frightening because I've never been to that place before.

And why wouldn't I be that tired? I've got a food blog that I run, which is really taxing on me sometimes. I force myself to read great literature that may not even interest me in the first place. I spent two weeks running after contacts to write this article for my professor's magazine, I was working actively on two drafts of two separate novels, and I stumbled upon an opportunity to write a story that could be used in a short film.

One day, something as simple as getting ready to go somewhere made me break down in tears.

My mother was quite surprised as I'm supposed to be really strong emotionally and I don't cry without reason. I had been pushing myself so hard that I snapped for something that silly. I eventually did stop crying and leave, do my job, but this sort of thing is toxic to my health. I was telling my mother todaythat mental health is  70% of your body's overall health. So what is it with me and not treating myself the way I treat everyone else? It's crazy, but I've been doing unto others what I really should be doing for myself.

And the result is me, here, exhausted, hungry and really poorly motivated.

I have 3 blog posts pending. I don't even know how to begin to write them though I've got all the photos, the ideas and everything ready. I'm going to stop being so harsh on myself and start being more gentle to my soul. I want to appreciate the finer things in my life again. Good food, poetry, sleep, laughter, good company, funny books, and trying to cook, just because I can.

Now... I shall attempt to alleviate my melancholy with a healthy dose of Jack Johnson.

Till next time.