Don't wanna be myself

I AM SO SICK OF MYSELF~!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! 

I wish i could be either annorexic or obese and not have the perfect in between figure i do now

i wish my hair was short and thin so ppl actually saw my face for a change

I wish i was smart like all my other classmates

I wish i had dimples

I wish i didn't have to wear glasses

I wish i had a better phone

I wish i could have an either extremely pale or very dark skin tone and not the dusky one i have now

I wish i was talented at something else other than writing

I could go on...

I JUST WISH I WAS SOMEBODY ELSE

Nail art,laser torches,and crazy photographs

Yes... mighty weird combination i know.. Some of us might even call it recipie for disaster... which it wasn't (thankfully) cause i've just experienced my first expo and it was truly exhilirating.

Our stall topic was oral cancer and it was organized by "CanStop" and it was sponsored by NXg... Quite a good amount of fun really.

My day starts at 5:20... Please guys,i'm totally serious... (I fell out of bed but lets just leave it at that).. The previous evening was spent in a total frenzy getting everything together.. (Me and my frnd ashwini were the strings holding our group together,not to brag, but we did an amazing job)

I somehow grope my way around and get dressed and i'm at school by 8:05.. We start and reach and we arrange our stall and put up our charts...very clumsily might i add cause there was sticky tape and gum flying around (not conventional fevistick,we were using fevicol) and miraculously(i think thts how its spelt)..we get everything into place with all four limbs intact.

"Why don't you people use a slogan" Said my biology teacher who was accompanying us. "Leave the smoking to cars and factories" I snorted sarcastically.

Everyone turns to stare at me.

I look up.

"What?"

But i don't get a reply...they're already putting that up on a poster!

Our first half of the day goes on pretty uneventful.. Us explaining basically everything in our chart... Some goofy guy picking up my laser torch and playing with it.... Thats when all the participants get called to hear a short speech..

It was amazing to hear them because the CanStop organization itself was founded by 4 survivours of cancer.. I think i was pretty lucky to hear them talk. 

There was a board called ray of hope draped in a white cloth. "See that board over there?" The chief doctor (srry guys,forgot her name) points out. We all immediately turn and stare at it. "We are going to bless all those people out there who are already suffering from cancer and pray for their speedy recovery. If you want to do it for a friend,family member or just about anybody, step forward" She told us.

We lined up and i put my hand splat in the tray with dark green paint and Archana (my other really really clsoe frnd) chose orange. We stood by each other as a junior snapped a pic of us grinning. "Bosom buddies huh" The chief doctor grinned.

We grinned right back at her

Then the (un)eventful lunch break... We were served noodles(not the maggi kind) and gobi manchurian.. I have never eaten something greasier or sicker in my entire life... I'm just lucky all the food didn't come out in the wrong direction!! And what basically sucked is that i left swetha, ashwini and archana at the stall but then i called swetha down and we sat and ate together. Apparently, when i was gone, every single person who came to our stall asked where the author of the poem was ! (we put up one of ma poems in a charT)

I missed my moments of glory for greasy noodles and overcooked and still greasier gobi!! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Its the quiz competetion after that... The stall crowd immediately stops completely leaving the lot of us to sit around bored like dopesters and crackstars. My other friend Swetha took my phone and began listening to the radio on it. Archana was sitting by me incessantly singing "Jesus take the wheel". Ashwini was sitting in a chair outside our stall, practically asleep and theres me. Sitting in between Ashwini and Archana, painting my nails with sparkly stars in lilac and hot pink. 

I took Swetha's camera (it was only payback since she kind of officially flicked my phone, apparently the radio station she was listening to was playing smokin hot songs) and handed it straight to Ashwini and for a change, i got in front of the camera instead of behind it. Goofing off, pretending i was the next big supermodel.

Then the quiz gets over... and to my surprise.. As i'm sitting there almost fully asleep... My friend Divya who i haven't seen in a bloody long time pops up!

I would've hugged her if i wasn't in such a hazy state but that just brought me straight back up to life. We all talked for 15 minutes... And she wrote us a comment when she hadn't even heard our explanation. Highlighted her name over and over (in case somebody needs to know the list of eminent personalities who blessed our stall with their presence :P )

And that was the end... The pack up... We ripped everything down, after a good deal of confusion of what belonged to who, we finally packed up.. got our belongings..(now including a freebie tshirt) and about 9 phone calls later, a juggling act, artfully balancing all our charts and what not in our hands, 2 glasses of an extremely sour "natural" drink, a balancing act by the water cooler again, 20 minutes on the kiddy swing set later... We were back home.

Yeah all in all, our day sucked, we didn't even win best stall award but to be honest, we didn't care a damn about that. All we cared about is that when we left school, we looked up to the sky to see a silver lining(damn beautiful!) and when we left... Well lets just say we had an awesome time anyway :)

Beautiful girls!

I recieved a beautiful email today that was originally sent to me on woman's day. I of course, being lazy did not read it at that time and DAMN! I SO wish i had!!! Anyways lets get back to that at the end of the post.

I'm sure this is an experience a lot of girls would have had.

You're sitting there innocently flipping through a magazine when you come across ______(insert stupid bimbo celebrity name here)in a bikini. You quickly flip away. A few pages later you see a beautiful unnamed model in an outfit that would only fit a lamp post. You look at her for a few seconds before flipping away. Then you come across advertisements for various make up items like eye shadow,lip gloss and all that.

You stare at the models who endorse these items. You stare and stare and stare and stare but nothing seems wrong with them. They look beautiful and perfect. "If only i had such big beautiful brown eyes" you sigh. You flip through to the next page where you see _______(Insert celebrity name here) lounging gracefully and you start to wonder why you don't look like that.

Another ad endorses skin cream and the model looks positively radiant. Her skin is the perfect tone and her figure is obviously absolutely flawless. You look down at your own skin and even though its healthy for a person your age, you dont see that. 

You put down the magazine and try to ignore the sinking feeling in the gut of your stomach and try to watch tv but theres only more of plastic perfection in the form of deepika padukone,sheetal malhotra and Kareena Kapoor.... You're just so sick of it and you wish you could change. you try to get away.

Sound familiar ladies?

What many people don't realise is that those models aren't perfect. Come on ladies, you're all smart. You should know that that those models or actresses are made to look inhumanly perfect only cause of the following tricks-

1)Air brushing

2)Photoshop

3) Camera and lighting can do wonders. 

There are about 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels. They seem happy. 

If Barbie was a real woman, She'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions. 

The average woman weighs 144 pounds, and wears between sizes 12-14 US sizing (14-16 English).

 

One out of every four college-

aged women 

has an eating disorder .  

A psychological study in 1995 

found that just 3 minutes 

looking at a fashion magazine 

caused70% of women to 

feel DEPRESSED ,  GUILTY  and  SHAMEFUL !

20 years ago, models weighed 8% less than the average woman.

Today, they weigh 23% less . . . .

It doesn't occur to the girls that the models didn't just drop from the stars perfect. They too had to start out somewhere and they were also probably in possession of a human figure at some point of their life or the other. 

Perfection doesn't lie in a size zero dress that would look better on a lamp post than it would on any super model. It doesn't lie in the glamourous beauty they exhibit. It doesnt even lie in their huge incomes.

Perfection in a real woman lies in her strength. The strength of the woman in supporting her family, providing encouragement to her friends and husband and paving the way for children. The beauty of a woman is not determined by her external beauty. But it is defined by her grace, charm, bravery, wiseness, determination and her ability to keep calm and provide others support in even the worst of circumstances. You could take a very average looking woman and she would be more beautiful than Kate Moss or any other supermodel as she is capable of achieving a  lot more and she will.

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE

SOMETIMES YOUR EYES MAY EVEN DECIEVE

BUT KEEP BELIEVING IN WHAT YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE

AND PEACE AND INNER STRENGTH YOU WILL ACHIEVE ^_^

Something i wrote a long time ago.......

The pain pierces through my heart as would a million tactful razor blades embedded into every single vein in my body... I wish i could stop thinking about you but i just CAN'T.... 

Its killing me inside ever so slowly. 

I'd rather die and get things over with.... or even better i wish you'd hold me in your arms and stab me with a knife.... my last wish to die in the hands of my love will THEN be fulfilled.... You meant everything to me but i meant nothing to u. 

I loved you with all my heart and soul and now you've set me free. A freedom i'd prefer to live without. My feelings for anybody has never been this strong and i'd gladly die for u. 

"Lets be friends" You offer as an act of pity. I nod numbly and take your hand as a small child would take her friend's hand, biting back sobs and blinking away tears as you walked with me holding me hand but never once holding me close.

Now you're  all i can dream of and all i can think of. I thought we could talk things out, i thought we could make things work, but here i stand, wishing nothing more than to have our moments back. 

Now you've grown and so have i. You still hold my hand making me laugh now and then. You gently squeeze my hands making way for tears of misery down my cheeks. Now the memories that i held treasured in my heart just fade away- each moment that we shared together,sometimes alone, sometimes with others but all of them-incredibly happy and carefree.

A polo wrapper, a piece of cardboard from your notebook, a paperball with math equations written on one side, a string from the wrist band you always adored, now they remain in my hands and in my heart and my feelings are far from faded.

Back to skool..

Blargh... That time of the year again.... its back to skool and here i am, totally unprepared. My eyes r burning and i can hear some weird music coming from the living room where the tv is... i think dad's watching some chick flick.

Gah...wats worse is that i'm hearing music in my head... the music being "I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare!"..... Well lets get to the point

Wait there isn't one.

Oh well.

Anyway what i'm trying to say is that i'm totally unprepared, its 10:28 in the night and i'm already fantasizing about my pillow and warm blanket and i actually walked away from charlies angels full throttle-which happens to be my most favourite movie ever.

I know the usual drill. My cellphone will most unpleasantly shriek "Woh lamhe" Early in the morning(my definition of early is 6 or 7) or the most inauspicious(but strangely appropriate) death beat will play from my phone waking me up but only partially....

I'll hit the snooze and seven minutes later, it rings again. This goes on for a bit of time. And as if on cue, mom will scream in the distance for me to wake up and remind me that i have school. I curse my life silently and pull the covers over my head again until she comes barging into my peacefully dark room and yank the sheets off me and draw the curtains so sunlight floods my room nearly blinding me in the process.

Damn it.

My sister will invariably be sleeping peacefully as i rush around getting ready. Its going to be hell i know it. But strangely i'm looking forward to it.

I'll be half asleep till i get into the shower at which point it turns unpleasantly hot and causes me to shriek as though i'm being tortured and THAT finally wakes me up.

I somehow get dressed and drag my feet to school (Well technically the car drags me there-lets leave it at that). My dad looks at me utterly bemused and wishes me a good day in school. I grimace and go "right back at ya dad" and push myself through the gates of educational glory(hallelujah sounds heard in the background)

Blargh.

I see my kindergarten teacher. I brighten up cause i really do like her a lot. I run after her and ask her how she is,how her family is and all that i feel considerably happier wen i walk away after i'm done talking to her.

I trudge up the three or four flights of staircases to ma school(well i'm not sure as i've never really bothered counting) and plunk my bag down at my bench and gently run a hand over the graffiti that i painstakingly carved out last month and sigh and sit down. I rest my head on my desk and sigh again wishing i wasn't all alone when...

I hear my name being called(read as screamed) from the classroom entrance.

I turn around mildly surprised and see my best and only friend in my class making a Deepika Padukone entrance (but she does it way better than deepika).

Her every step is filled with the slowness and grace as a wonderful spoof of deepika's charecter in om shanti om as shanti priya and shes waving her hand in the exact same fake manner as shanti priya did.

I can't help but to start laughing. "Hii!" She says cheerfully walking over to me resuming her normal walk . I smile as she reaches over and hugs me. "Hey! How was ur hols?" I ask her.

And she launches into this full fledged account of the way she spent every waking second of her holidays. Its kinda fun to listen to her say all that and that somehow makes me feel better.

I may hate this place. I've even nicknamed it "The dungeon of destroyed dreams" but i do like it cause it holds its weird charm and i guess i can never come around to actually hating it. Even if i do hate the institution, i could never hate the school.

I've made some of my best friends here. I've had some of the most amazing times here. I've had my tears and even my first heartbreak was here. But i've never regretted a single moment in this place. I've often wished and wondered what would've happened if i'd joined somewhere else but then i realise that i've been here so long (ever since first grade) that i can hardly imagine that.

God i'm getting so senti and i'm just in the eleventh...god knows how hard i'm gonna cry when i actually leave this place!

                                                                          

Life

Well as i sit here listening to linkin park and sipping on a diet pepsi all of a sudden,my mind starts its usual train of thought. So what the heck why not put it down. I don't expect y'all to get what i'm saying when i start and those of you who do,you can be sure that you're gifted. So here i go.

What is life? Whats it all about? Is it about who you are? Is it about what you do? Heres what i've learnt along the way even though i'm quite young.

Life isn't about how you look. I don't think its about the things you do that earns you the ever coveted "cool" label. Its not about who you hang out with. Its not about how you look or what you're wearing. Its not about if you're job sucks or if you're grades never climb up and always slide down.

Its about what you make of it. It doesnt matter if you're rich or poor. You gotta fight for what you want. (Unless you're one of those rich brats who gets what they want without ever having to work for it >:( ).

Its about who cares for you and who you care for. Success is not a measure of good life to me and neither is money. To me,in life,success is to be loved and be loved. Success is not jumping up and saying "SHE DID IT!" but standing up and having the courage to say "Yes i did it". Its not about celebrating like a lunatic when you succeed,its about not losing enthusiasm even when you run with all effort and still fail miserably.

Its about having friends who care for you and who'll stand by you even if the whole world turns against you. Its about making a mark on the world and changing it for the better. Its about feeling good every time you look in the mirror and no people i aint talking about workouts or flab. I mean feeling proud that you're who you are and not wishing that you were born someone else.

Its about having that warm feeling in you're heart when you help someone or when you do something nice for the person who cares for you. Like you're mom.

C'mon y'all...when was the last time you did something nice for her?

Its about having people love you but also having people hate you because hey...Life ain't fun if its willy wonka's chocolate factory. Its about forgiving the people you hate and loving the people who love you. Its all about feeling good. AND NO GIRLS I DON'T MEAN A SHOPPING SPREE.

So go ahead. Be yourself. Friends who try to change you are never you're real friends cuz a real friend will love you flaws and all. Go ahead, listen to the music everyone hates but the type you think rocks. Stop caring what others think of the way you dress,Its not always dress to impress. Girls, would you really be happy if you're boyfriend told you to wear a corset and you actually did it? And guys if you're girlfriend asked you to wear tight pants?

Its not about the grades you get,its about the brains you have. Its not even about the academic successes,or the money or the stuff you own. Its not about the number of friends you have, its about if all of them really care for you or not. Its about standing up for your beliefs. Its about feeling the pain of separation. Its about knowing that even if you die anytime soon,you'll have no regrets. Its not about worrying if its gonna rain tomorrow,its about enjoying today's sunshine. Its about living each day as it would be you're last.

Like one of my close friends always says, Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Love like a fat kid loves cake, Have fun as if theres no tomorrow, try everything once and if you like it,latch onto it.

Life isn't measured by how awesome you're grades are or how fabulous your job is. Its not measured by the people who talk to you(read as suck up to you),the clothes you wear,the brands you own,the gadgets you're hooked on to.

Its measured by each true smile you give the world. Its measured by the number of mornings you wake up looking forward to a new day rather than sinking back into bed wishing you were never born. Its measured by how many friends who claim to hate you but deep down inside,you know they love you. Its measured by the number of people who care for you and are willing to do you favours.

Its about living your life the way YOU want it and not caring about what the world thinks. Its about taking pain in a good way and its about forgiving the people you hate and the ones who earned your hate. So what if you hate them? So what if they hate you,forgive them and walk away. Its all these little things you do,that assure you that you've succeeded in life.

Updates and lessons from life...

Well hello ppl! haven't posted here in quite a while so here i am...!
Recently my boards started..(march the 3rd) and right now,i'm just counting my days left to freedom...Every single damn question is so tough and where i have 3 mins for a question,i'm forced to borrow at least 5 extra mins...its the whole new cbse "application based" pattern bullsh*t... If u wanna make the exam application based,make the goddamned teaching the same way! Repeating wat the textbook says doesn't exactly count...

So heres the actual beginning of this post..The updates-
1)My cellphone is personal again..
2)I am a geek(nah not really)
3)I seem to be studying almost all the time
4)My text messaging speed has gone up so much that my damn cell phone can't keep up with me!
5)I sent my ex running in the opposite direction..by merely looking at him..! Gosh that was satisfying!
6)My revised bed time ranges from 12-2!
7)I really suck at racing games
8)But on the brighter side i'm ace at games that involve war and fighting!
9)I love reading comic books
10)I seem to have created a mental mindblock towards junk food..(except chocolate)especially potato chips..just the sight of that stuff is enough to make me sick
11)The frame of my glasses have been broken only once so far this year!
12)I miss talking to my friends about the world's dumbest topics!
13)I really miss my best friend...it feels like its been ages since i was with her...
14)I'm actually beginning to wear make up!
15)I'm still a tom boy inside...no extreme make up...just purple or black or blue eye shadow and lip gloss...
16)Waterproof mascara is hell's blackhole in a tube
17)Really...!! I couldn't get it off my eyelashes for 3 days in a row.
18)There is no way i can ever be a loner!...Thats all for now

LESSONS FROM LIFE-
1)Even if a guy leaves,a friend will stay.
2)Even if i didn't talk to my best friend for the whole academic year,she still ran up to me and comforted me when i was crying...i love you neelu..really i do...it felt nice to hug you again.
3)My friend is a genius in disguise! Psycho Psychopath! NEVER DOUBT HER!
4)Turns out that most guy geniuses are J-E-R-K-S who think their superior to everybody..I'm not passing judgement here but most of them are...!
5)You'll never know what'll happen unless you try.
6)When you're heart is broken by the person who you thought was "The one"...Forgive him/her and walk away. Revenge is not sweet and definitely not cool.
7)we only live once so it seems silly to hold grudges..our lives are short and i'm not saying forgive bush or anybody u dislike...i'm just asking where has the magnanimity gone?
8)Sparkly is NOT trampy!
9)Live and let live... I find that when i fight with a friend and if i forgive his/her fault,the friendship seems to strengthen ten fold.
10)Tis' better to have loved and to have lost rather than to have not loved at all
11)Never be afraid to take chances...you never know where you might emerge a winner.
12)Heres a fancier way of saying the above-Never let the fear of losing,stop you from playing the game
13)Some of y'all might not believe this but our parents know whats best for us and they really do care..
14)Whenever you scream "MOM!YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" ,she does understand,she only wants whats best for you and that may not always seem fair to you
15)Parents do not need to be fair!They're PARENTS! DAMN!
16)There is never any good movie on tv to watch when im free, but when i'm studying,they play all the movies i love
17)Anybody who doesn't know who Bob Marley is,doesn't know ANYTHING about music!
18)A rolling stone gathers no moss...Don't let those brain cells get rotten..keep yourself busy!
19)My niece seems to now form the essence of a lot of my dreams...Shes just nothing but pure innocent love.
20)My friends accept me...Flaws and all.
21)The guy who broke your heart is never worth your tears or anything else cuz hes the loser for ditching somebody like you.

Thats all for now ppl...i'll be back with my plans for the holidays...

So long and good night

Girls in my mirror

There lives 2 girls in my mirror, they often talk for me or sometimes even to me but they know they're right.

One night i was sitting beside my mirror gazing up at the stars when i heard a quiet sobbing noise,i looked beside me and there was a beautiful girl in my mirror sobbing as if her heart was broken. When i asked her what was wrong she replied that she just couldn't understand anything anymore...the pace at which the world was going was scaring her and she felt incompetent...she felt she was just letting herself and others down. She told me she had friends but she could not talk to them because something was ever so painfully holding her back like she was bound by chains. She just didn't understand anymore...She used to think she was smart,pretty,nice,caring but now she didnt feel like she was any of those things anymore. I reached out to touch her but i couldn't. I gazed at her for a while before looking away for there was nothing i could say to stop her crying because even though i thot seh was beautiful,she was firmly convinced that she was not.

There is another girl who lives in my mirror. She on the contrary,is not pretty. She only appears to me when i feel depressed. She laughs at me. A cold hard cruel laughter that keeps ringing in my ears even when i don't look at her. She reminds me of everything she is and everything she is not. She keeps reminding me of how ugly she is. She keeps reminding me of how beautfiully perfect all the girls i admire from a distance are. she points at me and keeps reminding me of my scars. Nothing i say or feel will ever make her go away.

Am i supposed to let these girls live here in my mirror forever?